College football starts a week before Auburn football starts. Therefore, it’s time to get these games one-sentence-predicted. People can’t read more than a snapchat these days, so it’s the only way to keep you simpletons engaged. This will be my 15th year of doing this, and I was completely correct one of those seasons. Guess which one.
2010 | 2011 | 2012 | 2013 | 2014 | 2015 | 2016 | 2017 | 2018 | 2019 | 2020 | 2021 | 2022 | 2023
A weak home schedule makes this tough, but also easy. What does that mean? I don’t know. Just read your 12 sentences and go to Vegas.
Aug. 31 – Alabama A&M – The Marching Maroon and White will be the only part of Alabama A&M that provides a challenge as the Tigers go 3-deep by the 4th quarter.
Worry level: 1. Score: Auburn 58, Alabama A&M 0
Sept. 7 – Cal – Payton Thorne connects with former Cal quarterback Sam Jackson V in the 4th to slam the door on the Bears and remind them that football is played before midnight in real conferences.
Worry level: 4. Score: Auburn 31, Cal 10
Sept. 14 – New Mexico – “THAT WASN’T US” is heard from the bottom of the pile as Eugene Asante tallies his 6th sack, hellbent on making some team from the State of New Mexico pay.
Worry level: 2. Score: Auburn 38, New Mexico 7
Sept. 21 – Arkansas – Jarquez Hunter puts the nail in the Sam Pittman coffin with three 1st half touchdowns, while 3 different receivers score in the 2nd half.
Worry level: 5. Score: Auburn 42, Arkansas 17
Sept. 28 – Oklahoma – The Sooners’ first road trip of the season and first SEC road game ever ends like most things that come to Jordan-Hare: a fiery, yet exciting death.
Worry level: 7. Score: Auburn 27, Oklahoma 14
Oct. 5 – at Georgia – Auburn’s first road trip of the season breaks the inexplicable, most unwarranted streak to show us that the devil is real, but he can, will, and has been defeated.
Worry level: 9. Score: Auburn 21, Georgia 20
Oct. 19 – at Missouri – The Tigers of Columbia, riding high on the fake hype train, hit a wall named Hugh and realize that not all great records are a sign of a good team.
Worry level: 6. Score: Auburn 28, Missouri 17
Oct. 26 – at Kentucky – Fighting through the smell of bourbon, Payton Thorne torches the Wildcat secondary as half the crowd leaves at halftime to watch basketball practice.
Worry level: 5. Score: Auburn 38, Kentucky 20
Nov. 2 – Vanderbilt – It’s Vanderbilt.
Worry level: 3. Score: Auburn
Nov. 16 – UL-Monroe – The team that once beat Nick Saban will be headed back to Monroe by 3:30 with Cam Coleman running through their nightmares on the postgame bus trip.
Worry level: 2. Score: Auburn 51, UL-Monroe 10
Nov. 23 – Texas A&M – An extremely overhyped Texas A&M rolls in to Jordan-Hare with an inflated record and leaves with a worse record after Auburn’s defensive line hits <whoever plays quarterback for Texas A&M> like Dee Ford hit Johnny Manziel.
Worry level: 8. Score: Auburn 23, Texas A&M 17
Nov. 30 – at Alabama – The worst Alabama team in over a decade limps into the Iron Bowl, puts up a small fight in the 1st half, and then another… Cam-back happens.
Worry level: 10. Score: Auburn 28, Alabama 27
Now give me your predictions and/or tell me how smart I am in the comments section below.
1 comment
I love your confidence but let’s back it down just a step or two I think Auburn going into the Alabama game 10-1 or 11 and 0 is much moreachievable than most people think achievable than most people think