Football returns this weekend, but Auburn football returns next weekend. That gives us a few extra days to figure out what shirt we’re going to wear this year, what food we’re going to have at the first tailgate, and how many games Auburn is going to win this year.
Since nobody can read over ten words anymore, for the 14th year in a row, I will dumb it down and give you a one sentence prediction of every game this season. If you’d like, you can go back and read the previous 13 years and see just how right I was.
The football is coming. This is what will happen. I am sure of it.
Sept. 2 – UMass – Historically, one of the worst teams in college football rolls into Jordan-Hare with a Clemson transfer quarterback and gives Hugh Freeze a nice little intro to football on the Plains.
Worry level: 1. Score: Auburn 63, UMass 7
Sept. 9 – at Cal – Most of the Auburn fanbase will miss church Sunday morning after the Tigers dispel all the “Pac-12 After Dark” fears quickly in front of a raucous crowd of 2,000 Bears fans.
Worry level: 3. Score: Auburn 38, Cal 13
Sept. 16 – Samford – Jarquez Hunter scores six rushing touchdowns before the 4th quarter, as Auburn easily rolls over their friendly in-state foe.
Worry level: 2. Score: Auburn 42, Samford 10
Sept. 23 – at Texas A&M – The once scary location, that had no reason to be scary, will be proven not scary again when Payton Thorne throws for three touchdowns to three different receivers.
Worry level: 7. Score: Auburn 27, Texas A&M 17
Sept. 30 – Georgia – The Bulldogs return to Jordan-Hare to face a 4-0 Auburn and leave with their first loss sine 2021 after Shane Hooks makes a one handed touchdown catch as time expires.
Worry level: 10. Score: Auburn 28, Georgia 27
Oct. 14 – at LSU – The defending SEC West Champions that a not-great Auburn team should’ve easily beaten last year will be easily beaten by a great Auburn team as bourbon tears fall in Death Valley.
Worry level: 9. Score: Auburn 31, LSU 28
Oct. 21 – Ole Miss – The coach that many people were settling on months ago because he’s funny will leave Jordan-Hare without a smile after Brian Battie returns two kickoffs for touchdowns en route to a 20+ point Auburn win.
Worry level: 6. Score: Auburn 31, Ole Miss 10
Oct. 28 – Mississippi State – Remembering his hate for his old rival, Hugh holds nothing back in a quick dismantling of a team that will never be to Auburn’s level despite what many of their alum think.
Worry level: 5. Score: Auburn 45, Mississippi State 10
Nov. 4 – at Vanderbilt – Auburn’s first win in Nashville since Tommy Tuberville (20 years) will come easily as the defense scores two touchdowns while orange and blue spills onto Broadway.
Worry level: 5. Score: Auburn 36, Vanderbilt 9
Nov. 11 – at Arkansas – The trip to Fayetteville is always stupid, but the Hawgs will have six losses at this point, so it will be much less stupid and much more fun.
Worry level: 7. Score: Auburn 34, Arkansas 20
Nov. 18 – New Mexico State – Another one of the worst teams in college football history rolls into the Plains and rolls out after a 50-point beating from mostly backups.
Worry level: 1. Score: Auburn 52, New Mexico State 2
Nov. 25 – Alabama – An Iron Bowl that could get Alabama in the Liberty Bowl will become the biggest beatdown in Iron Bowl history as Payton Thorne and Jarquez Hunter continue to fuel the debate on who will win the Heisman,
Worry level: 10. Score: Auburn 35, Alabama 10
Now give me your predictions and/or tell me how smart I am in the comments section below.