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Week 1 Predictions: Where are the Kickoff Classics?

What has two thumbs and is excited about football starting tonight? This guy. Yes, I said that. The world is too bland and angry these days. I’m taking it back to when jokes like that were cool. Football is here and it’s time to have dumb, unadulterated fun again.

This week: 14-2 (87.5%)
Last year: 88-49 (64.2%)

Last year wasn’t great, but Ds get degrees. But mom said she won’t give to my GoFundMe anymore unless I make a B average, so let’s start it off strong and make the Dean’s list.


South Dakota at Missouri – Wow, I know we got that barrel of fun Hawaii and Vandy as the first true SEC game last week, but I think we topped it here in the first SEC game of Week 1. Those white rocks in the shape of the M in the grass endzone seating are gonna be electric in this one.

Missouri 41, South Dakota 10

Missouri 35, South Dakota 10 – SUCCESS!

Florida at Utah – Utah’s quarterback is hurt apparently, and the 2nd string was already hurt, so they are down to their 3rd string. Florida lost to the Utes last year, who were probably much better than this year’s squad. I want Florida to lose, so let’s go UU. Ever thought about University of Utah Utes is UUU? Amazing.

Utah 31, Florida 23

Utah 24, Florida 11 – SUCCESS!


Ball State at Kentucky – People really think Kentucky is actually somewhat decent again just because they are better than the awful they have always been. David Letterman went to Ball State. That’s about all this one gets.

Kentucky 27, Ball State 6

Kentucky 44, Ball State 14 – SUCCESS!

Virginia at Tennessee – The Cavaliers are not supposed to be very good, and they double dribbled. Tennessee can’t beat Auburn in basketball since Bruce arrived, so Virginia does have that on them, though. Start up the hype wagon for the Vols.

Tennessee 42, Virginia 17

Tennessee 49, Virginia 13 – SUCCESS!

Western Carolina at Arkansas – There is not a team more boring and fake football to me than the Western Carolina Catamounts. It seems like a team you’d build on EA Sports NCAA Football 11. Arkansas has their quarterback again. You know the one that they claim is like Cam Newton because…

Arkansas 49, Western Carolina 7

Arkansas 56, Western Carolina 13 – SUCCESS!

Mercer at Ole Miss – It’s the Bears versus the Rebearsharks. A quaint southern college versus a quaint southern college. A team that’s bad at sports but will luck up and beat somebody sometime versus a team that’s bad at sports but will luck up and beat somebody sometime. Wow the similarities are endless.

Ole Miss 38, Mercer 13

Ole Miss 73, Mercer 7 – SUCCESS!

Southeast Louisiana at Mississippi State – The lone hold out of directional Louisiana schools that actually kept the direction in their name travels to Starkville and immediately wonders why. Imagine naming your town “Literally nothing”-ville. That’s literally what it means.

Mississippi State 34, Southeast Louisiana 9

Mississippi State 48, Southeast Louisiana 7 – SUCCESS!

UT-Martin at Georgia – Ok, it’s taken me 8 games to realize that all those massive Kickoff games are just gone this year? What happened to the Chic-fil-A Kickoff Classic? Maybe Kirby paid somebody off to start his trek for an unprecedented 3rd straight title by playing a team that copies Auburn in all uniform decisions.

Georgia 56, UT-Martin 3

Georgia 48, UT-Martin 7 – SUCCESS!

New Mexico at Texas A&M – Once again, pollsters are duped into thinking the Aggies will have a strong season after coming off a Top 5 start that ended with 5 total wins in 2012. I don’t know why we continue to listen to these people. The Lobos will be in the game until the 4th quarter.

Texas A&M 35, New Mexico 21

Texas A&M 52, New Mexico 10 – SUCCESS!

Alabama A&M at Vanderbilt – It’s a two hour drive for the Bulldogs of Alabama A&M to then notice they are playing in a high school stadium with an endzone missing. There are better stadiums in Huntsville than what they’ll encounter on Saturday. There are probably better football teams in Huntsville, too.

Vanderbilt 20, Alabama A&M 10

Vanderbilt 47, Alabama A&M 13 – SUCCESS!

Middle Tennessee State at Alabama – Alabama doesn’t know who their quarterback will be, but that should be SCARY for everybody else. They’re still trying to figure out who can beat out Milroe, who could barely beat 5-win Texas A&M last year, but watch out! That’s SCARY for everybody. Have you seen that Nick Saban has been spotted smiling?! Watch out!

Alabama 45, Middle Tennessee State 14

Alabama 56, Middle Tennessee State 7 – SUCCESS!

North Carolina vs. South Carolina (Charlotte, NC) – Oh, THIS is the kickoff game? Shane Beamer once took a load of mayo over the dome and now what is being called the Duke’s Mayonnaise Kickoff Game or whatever wants to recreate that moment for the socials. Can we please stop acting like South Carolina is good?

North Carolina 31, South Carolina 21

North Carolina 31, South Carolina 17 – SUCCESS!

UMass at Auburn – Check back later for my prediction in the game preview, but SPOILER ALERT: it will take about a minute.

Auburn 51, UMass 10

Auburn 59, UMass 14 – SUCCESS!


LSU at Florida State – Oh, here’s a good one. Finally. When did this become a thing? You know how I don’t really give any other teams credit? Yeah, that’s big time here. Remember how awful this game was last year? Florida State looked better than they have in a decade in a weak ACC, so now they are BACK! LSU should’ve lost to Auburn, played many other close ones, but Alabama lost to Tennessee so the Tigers won the West, so now they are BACK! It’s just two football teams that are maybe above average and have a name that used to be elite. That’s all.

LSU 17, Florida State 16

Florida State 45, LSU 24 – FAILURE

Other Games of Note

Colorado at TCU – Deion has moved up the ladder and has these Buffaloes ready to s… //immediately gets destroyed by TCU.

TCU 48, Colorado 10

Colorado 45, TCU 42 – FAILURE

West Virginia at Penn State – Is Penn State good now or are we just bored with the other teams in the Big 10 for now? I will always pull for West Virginia when not playing Auburn because of The Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia, but they won’t win this one.

Penn State 28, West Virginia 17

Penn State 38, West Virginia 15 – SUCCESS!

Now that you know who will win, head on over to the 2023 War Blogle Pick ’em and get your picks in. There will be weekly prizes and an overall winner at the end of the season. It’s easy. Do it.

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