Stranger Things: Auburn at Texas A&M

Texas A&M was made for Stranger Things, and Stranger Things was made for Texas A&M. They’ve been in the SEC for just over five-and-a-half seasons and I still don’t have a good grasp on them, and I don’t think I ever will. It’s like they don’t want to be understood. It’s like everything that everybody makes fun of Auburn for multiplied by 100. Just look.

1. Fish Camp

Before a freshman can attend Texas A&M, they must attend something called Fish Camp. At first it sounds like Auburn’s Camp War Eagle. You know, the 2-day mini-camp held on Auburn’s campus that shows new students around, teaches the fight songs, and helps them with registering for classes. NOPE.

At Texas A&M they bus incoming freshmen offsite to a full blown summer camp, which is fine, but the more you watch this, the more you wonder when the Kool-aid and black Nikes are going to show up. Oh, and don’t get caught up in the uplifting music. I almost did. This is point blank an indoctrination. There’s no learning about Texas A&M, unless you’re learning about those weird “yells” (more on that later). It’s learning how to join the cult.

2. Midnight Yell Practice

Apparently a full Fish Camp isn’t enough to learn those cheers they call “yells” because before EVERY SINGLE GAME they have to give them a good run-through. I mean, I know it’s tough to remember when to use jazz hands or yell “WOOP!” or which thumb to stick up the frogs hind-end, but I learned some of the most obscure cheers at Camp War Eagle 2000 and can still recite them today.

Could you imagine going to Jordan-Hare at midnight to say Bodda Getta every week? Sure, it might be fun, but come on. Learn your cheers, man.

You remember everybody’s favorite cheer from the 1920’s called Hullaballo, right? This is from memory:

Hullabaloo Ka-nick Ka-nack
Hullabaloo Ka-nick Ka-nack
Wah Hee Wah Haw Chicka Chicka Hoorah
Auburn Tigers Rah Rah
Ching Ching Chow Chow
Boom Boom Wow Wow
Auuuuburn
Auuuuburn
Auburn Tigers
Ooo Rah Rah

See, no practice needed. Get your stuff together, Aggies.

3. The Yell Leaders

Even after all of that practice, Aggie fans still need five guys dressed as mental institution security guards to walk them through the “yells” during the game. But on special occasions they’ll wear overalls with all sorts of Aggie stuff on them. They’re Naughty by Nature, not cause they hate ya.

I’ll ignore many other facts that some would call offensive, but no grown man should hop around on one leg doing jazz hands. Ever. I don’t care what bathroom you use, it just shouldn’t happen. And why do they always look like they’re milking a really tall cow?

I know the 2012 game left me many chances to look around Jordan-Hare Stadium as something resembling a game went on, but I spent the entire 2nd half of the game just watching these guys. I don’t know if I was just enamored at how weird it was, or if it was just that I didn’t want to lose sight of them for fear of what might happen.

I mean, just watch, and no this is not found footage from True Detective Season 3.

4. Military?

I’m not going to get into the military history of Texas A&M. Are they military? Are they not? I don’t know. But apparently a few of the officers are in charge of protecting the field, and here’s one pulling a sword on a male SMU cheerleader who was apparently disrespecting the turf. That’s all I have to say about that.

Honestly, I don’t think we’ve begun to tap into the strangeness of Texas A&M. Maybe it will take a few more times through the schedule. Maybe a Texas fan can enlighten us in the comments. But right now, I can just tell you that I’m honestly scared. I’m scared.